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I love Jesus.

I knew the Holy Spirit lived within me and guided me—mostly.

But somewhere deep inside me, I was still afraid of God.

That is a difficult thing for me to say.

Because I truly loved Him.

I had received Jesus into my heart as a teenager, and there were years when His presence felt like water to a thirsty child.

He comforted me.

He cared for me.

He met me in places inside myself that had been hurting for a very long time.

I experienced a tenderness in Jesus that was different from the God I thought I knew.

Because the God I had grown up with felt very different.

He was a God of rules.

A God of regulations.

A God who watched.

A God who judged.

A God who seemed to be waiting for me to get something wrong.

And I was already a child who had learned that getting things wrong could have consequences.

I Learned That the World Wasn’t Safe

I had experienced abuse as a child, so before I ever had the words to explain what was happening inside me, I learned that the world was not a safe place.

I learned that belonging meant hiding pieces of myself.

I learned that I couldn’t always trust the people around me to protect me, support me, witness me, or put me first.

I learned to pay attention.

To read the room.

To be careful.

To manage myself.

To hold things inside.

To make sure I was okay.

And perhaps most importantly…

I learned how to survive.

I didn’t know I was doing it.

I wasn’t walking around thinking, “Today I am going to develop survival patterns.”

I was a child.

I was simply adapting to the world I was living in.

And that is the thing about survival.

It can become your foundation before you ever realize there is a foundation underneath you.

I Took That Foundation With Me

When I became a Christian, I didn’t suddenly leave all of those beliefs behind.

Jesus began changing me.

But some of the deepest beliefs I carried were formed long before I knew how to question them.

So I loved God…

while still expecting judgment.

I trusted Jesus…

while still struggling to feel safe.

I wanted to belong…

while carrying the belief that belonging could be lost.

I had faith…

while still feeling like I needed to get things right.

I knew Scripture…

while my body was still responding to old messages about danger, responsibility, and control.

I didn’t understand the contradiction.

I simply lived with it.

And I became very good at living with it.

I Became a Capable Woman

I built a life.

I worked hard.

I became successful.

I moved into management.

Eventually, I was running a women’s centre.

I knew how to take responsibility.

I knew how to solve problems.

I knew how to show up.

I knew how to help other people.

And from the outside, those qualities looked like strengths.

They were strengths.

But some of them had another story underneath them.

I didn’t always know how to rest.

I didn’t always know how to listen to what I was feeling.

I didn’t always know how to trust someone else with what mattered to me.

I often felt safest when I could anticipate what was coming and figure out what needed to happen next.

And God was teaching me through all of it.

He was revealing Himself to me.

My understanding of Him was growing.

My theology was growing.

My knowledge was growing.

But there were places where the truth had travelled from my head into my heart…

and places where it still hadn’t reached.

When Faith and Fear Lived Together

I knew God loved me.

But my heart doubted it when fear raised its head. I would return to that place of needing to be “acceptable” if I expected God to help.

I knew God was with me.

But my body could not settle in His presence when anxiety whirled about in my mind.

I knew I was His child.

But belonging still felt foreign to me. What did that mean, exactly?

These were the struggles that fed my anxiety.

But I didn’t recognize the signals.

I simply thought that life on earth was full of pain that God chose to do nothing about.

Then I Got Sick

And I had to step away from work.

For someone like me, stepping away from my responsibilities was HARD.

So I made sure that everyone was taken care of—that new people were hired, someone could step into my role while I was away, and the clients were being cared for.

But I did NOT have any answers for where MY life was going.

Or for how a single woman could step away from work and still have purpose.

And for the first time in a long time, I couldn’t simply push forward and make things happen.

I had to stop.

My body demanded it.

My mind needed it.

And my relationship with God was about to step into a whole new way of being.

When God Took Me Deeper

When I listened to my body and STOPPED, God began doing something I hadn’t known I needed.

He began going deeper.

Into my nervous system.

Into my emotions.

Into my beliefs.

Into my relationships.

Into the places where I had learned to survive.

I began to see that some of the things I had always assumed were simply who I was had actually been ways I had learned to stay safe.

I had learned to stuff my feelings.

I had learned to keep going.

I had learned to be responsible.

I had learned to anticipate.

I had learned to manage.

I had learned to be strong.

I had learned to figure things out.

And suddenly I began asking questions I had never really asked before:

What if I didn’t have to live this way?

What if there were new things for me to learn and experience that I had never even thought of before?

Those questions changed something in me.

What If I Could Learn a New Way to Live?

Because if I had learned how to survive by hiding…

then perhaps I could learn to thrive by being seen. YIKES!!

If I had learned to survive by stuffing my feelings…

then perhaps I could learn to thrive by allowing myself to feel them.

If I had learned to survive by staying in control…

then perhaps I could learn to thrive by learning what it felt like to trust.

If I had learned to survive by protecting myself…

then perhaps I could learn to thrive by courageously stepping beyond what felt familiar, while leaning heavily on God for safety.

And perhaps, little by little, I could let go of the ways I had learned to survive…

and become the woman God created me to be.

God Started Pulling Up the Roots

The next several years became an unexpected journey of uprooting.

God began showing me things I couldn’t see when I was busy building my life.

He began exposing beliefs that had quietly shaped my expectations.

He began bringing awareness to emotions I had learned to suppress.

He began helping me recognize how my body had been carrying things my mind had learned to overlook.

And some relationships changed too.

People I thought would always be part of my life were removed.

At the time, I didn’t understand why.

I didn’t have a neat explanation.

I simply knew that something was shifting.

Looking back, I can see that God was creating space.

Space for truth.

Space for healing.

Space for me to discover who I was apart from some of the patterns that had kept me functioning but had also kept me stuck.

It was painful.

It was confusing.

And it was deeply transforming.

Because God wasn’t simply helping me manage my anxiety.

He was rebuilding the foundation underneath it.

I Was Leaving Egypt Too

This morning, our sermon gave me language for something I have been living for years.

The Israelites didn’t simply need directions to the Promised Land.

They had lived for generations in slavery.

They left Egypt physically, but the patterns formed in Egypt still had to be worked out of them.

Their thinking.

Their fear.

Their trust.

Their relationship with God.

Their understanding of who they were.

They were learning how to live as people who trusted God.

And suddenly I thought:

Maybe that’s what God has been doing with me.

I have spent these past six years allowing God to rebuild my foundation.

He has been bringing me out of places I didn’t even know I was still living in.

Out of fear.

Out of control.

Out of self-protection.

Out of old beliefs about God.

Out of old beliefs about myself.

Out of the expectation that I need to figure everything out.

Out of the habit of silencing what I feel.

Out of survival.

Leaving Egypt and Becoming Free Are Different Journeys

And I am beginning to understand something:

Leaving a place physically and being free from what that place taught you are two different journeys.

I can leave the old season…

and still carry its beliefs.

I can love Jesus…

and still carry an old picture of God.

I can know the truth…

and still have parts of me living as though the old story is true.

That is where the hidden layers matter.

What If Your Anxiety Has a Foundation?

Maybe your anxiety isn’t as random as it feels.

Maybe there is a story underneath it.

Maybe there are beliefs you learned long before you knew they were beliefs.

Maybe you learned:

I have to get it right.

I have to keep everyone happy.

I have to stay in control.

I can’t trust people.

My feelings are too much.

I have to be strong.

I have to figure things out myself.

I have to earn belonging.

I have to take care of everyone else.

And perhaps you learned those things for a reason.

Perhaps, at one point in your life, they helped you survive.

That doesn’t make you broken.

It makes your story worth understanding.

And this is where I believe awareness becomes so powerful.

Because when you begin to see the hidden layer, you can stop asking:

“What’s wrong with me?”

And begin asking:

“What happened to me?”

“What did I learn?”

“What did I believe I needed to do to stay safe?”

“What did I learn about God?”

“What did I learn about myself?”

And perhaps the most important question:

“What is God showing me is true now?”

God Is Calling Me Into a New Season

I don’t know exactly what my Promised Land looks like.

And honestly, I don’t need to.

Because I am learning that I can’t get there through sheer determination.

I don’t need to create the entire path.

I don’t need to know every step.

I don’t need to carry the whole journey.

I need God’s presence.

His face before me.

His Spirit within me.

His voice guiding me.

His love anchoring me.

I will plant the seeds God gives me.

I will take the step in front of me.

And I will trust Him with the journey.

After years of God rebuilding what was underneath me, I am beginning to understand that moving forward isn’t about becoming stronger at carrying the old foundation.

It is about allowing Him to establish something new.

A foundation of truth.

A foundation of belonging.

A foundation of love.

A foundation where I can stand firmly in Him.

And perhaps that is where your new season begins too.

What If There Is More Beneath Your Anxiety?

Maybe you’re reading my story and recognizing pieces of your own.

Maybe you’ve become very good at being strong.

At holding everything together.

At hiding what you feel.

At staying in control.

At keeping the peace.

At taking care of everyone else.

Maybe you’ve even wondered why you still feel anxious when you love God and are doing your best to follow Him.

What if there are hidden layers beneath your anxiety?

What if some of what you are experiencing today makes more sense when you understand what you learned long ago?

And what if God is showing you that you can live differently?

That is why I created Hidden Layers Beneath Anxiety.

It is a place to begin.

A place to become aware of what may be underneath the anxiety so you can begin seeing yourself, your story, and even your relationship with God through a new lens.

Because awareness brings freedom.

And you don’t have to uncover those layers alone.

Because you may be closer to freedom than you realize.

And your next season may begin with awareness.

May the God of Peace Fill You with His Presence,

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